What word is on your umbrella?

What  a crazy world we are living in. So many sad stories, of not only Covid related deaths, but it feels like a harvest of the best souls, some sudden and some expected. Going into 2021 feels a little more ‘eerie’ than any new year before.

Unprecedented times, making even our familiar safe places, like church, unavailable or different in manner. No weekly hugs, smiles and affirmation of love on a personal level, to fuel you up for the week ahead.

Living alone in this wilderness, I am sure is one of the hardest sufferings, maybe leading to mood swings, depression and lethargy. 

FaceTime is indeed a Blessing, the odd text messages, the ‘old fashioned‘ card through the post, the shy smile from a stranger at a safe distance on a nice fresh walk, these all pep us up, but the days can be long.

We are created I am convinced to be among others. We thrive sitting with friends, for a lovely cup of tea, a biscuit and a good chat. Lots of giggles, building us up, filling us with that ‘feel good feeling’ that sharing evokes.

My heart breaks for all those who are numb in this new existence. Maybe feeling lost. 

Of course my advice here should be, pick up your bible, read it, study, pray loads, bury yourself deep in His word and His love. 

But how hard is that, when you are feeling low. We may have all the time in the world if we are currently furloughed, retired. 

Suddenly you crave work for company, to be with another human. God may seem like a million  miles away. I hope He doesn’t, I hope you are feeling His Love more than ever. But what if you are not sensing his presence.

If you are working doubly hard, in care work, NHS or a key worker, feeling more tired than ever, trying to keep your head above the Covid water...you don’t want to whinge or complain, you are healthy. What do you have to complain about?

You just get on with it. Keep plodding, keep going.

Those who are home schooling. Well hats off to you all.I shiver physically imagining me trying to educate all of our 4 sons when they were younger. I thank God with a selfish heart, that they are all beyond School age.

Trying to get our eldest to revise for GCSE’s was harrowing enough. Apparently his head was so ‘full’ of French there was no more space to fit anymore in. Until I tested him to discover there was more than ample room...

He chose to revise in our conservatory.  As I went back into the kitchen he skateboarded past the window. I confiscated the skateboard, shut the door, opened the windows, and went back to preparing lunch.

I could hear music. I removed his guitar, planted the ‘how to revise Science’ book in front of him and left.

Three minutes later, I took his phone and kept it in a safe place, phone calls to friends were not a good way to help you remember the facts.

I finished lunch and took him a plate of sandwiches, crisps and a chocolate treat, together with an ice cold drink. He was face down on the table, sleeping.

By the time he finished the exams, I was googling ‘help line’ for parents. That was a mere few weeks with one reluctant teenager. If all four had been at home, I think I may well have left myself, and set up a more simple lifestyle in the shed.

Well done all of you, especially if you are currently working from home to. I will nominate you all for an MBE in next years honours list.

But maybe it’s not any of the above that is stopping you opening your heart to The voice of Our Lord and Saviour. Maybe it’s more.

A few years ago I was on a journey. A precious walk with a family. They were separated, the mother was disabled, the young son had a non malignant tumour, the daughter an exuberant enthusiasm for life.

It was without doubt a pure privilege to be trusted by God to walk closely with them. He equipped me with all I required daily to try to be what they needed me to be  each day.

I have mentioned our four sons. One morning we all got ready to leave for school in an orderly manner...nope that would have been in my dreams.

After a fractious time, tipping them out of bed, hunting for any socks that looked greyish and fitted if you pulled them up harder, repeatedly asking them to find their shoes/homework/PE bag, whilst making the packed lunches I swore I should always prepare the night before.

Breakfast was a mele of Chaotic, cereal munching, milk spilling, play fighting on the table top, then a rapid search for a clean polo shirt without yesterday’s ketchup down the front. The toothpaste stain was acceptable, proof in a weird way, that I was a good mother after all.

Piling them in the car, legs amok, hands everywhere as all four try to squeeze into the front seat, followed by the usual reasonings of ‘its not fair, he sat in the front twice last week...yesterday,...always.’

The quick sharp scream, that wakened any neighbours still resting, ‘We are late, just get in the car, anywhere’...followed by a loud growl that any brown mumma bear would be proud of and job done.

Apart from boy number 3 reminded me it was cooking today.

Heart pounding, I choose to pretend I didn’t hear that, and flounced out of the driveway, as a cyclist rode past on the pathway, I braked with force, my chest landed firmly on the horn, the man in Lycra turned and greeted me with a fierce look whilst waving with one finger.

Breathe.

I had to collect the lovely young girl on the way to school, so turned off the main road, did a manic turn at the top of the cul de sac, screeched to a halt outside their house. Ignoring the fighting going on in the car, I ran up their pathway and knocked on the door.

The mum answered, with the biggest grin. Oh sorry she said laughing, I forgot to remind you she started Judo this morning so our neighbour took her at 8.

I stood ultra still. Not normally an aggressive person, I had this insane desire to punch her in the face. Seriously. This may shock many of you, it shocked me. I held my arms by my side tightly, while pleading with God for more Grace, not to lash out.

I reversed slowly to the car, slid in, feeling numb. It had been building up, for a while. The situation all round was tricky. So infinite patience was required, and thank God, He loyally gave me all I needed.

The mum did not know that today, was not a good day to forget to remind me her little girl did not need a lift to school.

The boys must have picked up on my change of irritability, which they were used to in the morning. The silence unnerved them.

I dutifully dropped them off, signed the late register, and drove home with the youngest to continue my day.

I was simmering nicely for a while. Then I started shouting at Jesus. I’m sorry but you will have to find someone else. I’ve had it, I never want to see any of them again. I cannot do this anymore. 

Three long days I knew Our Lord was trying to fill me with His Grace that would soothe me and fill me with His Holy Spirit to give me all I needed. To fill me with Love for this family that outweighed the bruised ego.

But I was obstinate. I knew I had put up an ‘umbrella’ over my head, so all He wanted to Fill me with slid off, wasted on the ground. I felt Jesus hovering, I knew that He knew I was being unreasonable. I was hurting. I was feeling sorry for myself. The mother in her daily heartache inadvertently treated me quite harshly at times, understandably.

On the third day, I heard Our Father in Heaven gently speaking. ‘Put the umbrella down, dear child, put it down’. I conceded, in my imagination I physically took the umbrella, folding it back up, wrapping the fastener back round it and leant it up against the wall.

Immediately, He filled me with an outpouring of love for the whole family, washing away my pride, equipping me with even more empathy and compassion than I had before. Enough to finish the journey 2 years later, when angels came and took her beautiful boy home.

I cringe when I think, what if I had kept being stubborn? What if God got fed up with me, losing His patience and finding someone else willing and able. My heart sobs at the thought that I would have missed out on a bouquet of Blessings as the walk continued. Joys, wonders, and mind blowing lessons from a young terminally ill child that taught me more about Faith, prayer and Love than I have ever experienced before or since.

Thank you Jesus for your humble and infinite patience.

A few years later I was at an evening church service. The worship was unusually flat. A little dreary almost.

I looked around, wondering, where was the joy in their hearts? This congregation were famed for their heartfelt worship.

God showed me a sea of umbrellas. On them written..pain, anger, frustration, jealousy, hurt, unforgiveness  and many more.

I had not been at the church for a while so felt very uncomfortable going to the front to share my vision. A tad embarrassed. Then the next song came on...’It’s raining...’

Oh boy Jesus does have a great sense of timing and humour.

I dared to go to the front and share. I urged everyone to ‘put their umbrellas down’ as God wanted to heal them with all they needed from Him.

Oh my, most of those umbrellas I am certain were thrown far away. The worship transformed as Our Lord opened the Heavens and His Holy Spirit rained down. Pouring healing love and power into their hearts, Awesome.

I hope you are in a happy place right now, feeling close to Your Saviour. But if you feel a little further away than usual,  especially in these challenging times, look up. Have you inadvertently put  your ‘brolly’ up? What is written on yours?

If you have, I know Jesus is whispering in your ear, please pass that to me, my child, put it down, I am here, I want to pour my love into your heart, today.

If that is you, please  put your umbrellas down, and if you don’t have one above your head, maybe pray for someone you know that is carrying one , with one or more words written on it. Pray they will have the strength to let go and Let God.

Amen x