I preferred ‘numb’

 I have 48% charge on my iPad. This could be 47% more than I need, as this may be the shortest blog, as feeling so very sad, or I may have to plug it in, if I get going..and you may be asleep by the end. 

Starting the daily blogs when I did, did not seem that wise, but on hindsight for me it has been therapeutic, and the timing perfect.

Daily, is no longer significant, more ‘when the writing comes’. Maybe this will be the habit forming and focus I require to get a book written.

Many of you know the book I have wanted to write for many years, and it remains in my heart and head. It is the one titled “I don’t believe it, co-incidence or God”.

 As the years progressed and I exclaimed so many times I don’t Believe it, the more chapters merged into volumes. I do believe Our Lord has done it all, but it is ‘unbelievable.’ I have always wanted to write the facts, and for everyone to decide themselves co-incidence or God.

Sadly they all remain locked away in my thoughts, not on paper to share with the world. You see when God has answered prayers, and when we see His mighty Hand in so many lives and situations, it truly blows us away. You see He never seems to do it small. Nope. It is Unfathomable how He intricately weaves peoples lives together, sometimes for a fleeting moment, others a lifetime, but enough to connect, to make a difference, to show “Nothing is impossible for God.”

In the midst of the darkest New Years Eve, which I  did not want to move on through to a New Year, leaving too many souls departed in 2020, He showed me in the detail, In the gloom and tragedy. He reminded me He was right there in the midst of it. Long story to be added tomorrow as an example.

For all of you now reaching for the paracetamol as you sense a sermon coming, for all of you who are mad, sad, angry at the thought that if there is a God, where is He in our grief and brokenness and you are tempted to stop right here and go back to watching a film, Xbox, candy crush, or whatever you were doing before browsing Facebook. It is for you I have had the desire to share the ‘coincidences‘ with.

Many a time, some of you can relate to, I have been in full torrential flow of a ‘God’ Story and then  accelerated the rate of words per second, as I see your eyes rolling, trying to keep your eyelids open, and possibly praying if there is a God, then please come and rescue me now, to finish the tale before you stop me.

For those of you who can identify with that experience, either with me or a fellow Christian, the book is so you can absorb the blah blah, hallelujahs, blah blah blahs, at your leisure, or not at all.

My dream is to hand you a copy of a beautifully published book that has an intriguing cover,  saying - this will save you 45 minutes of your life, you may never get back. Please read it if you want to at your leisure.

 I know so many of my family and friends are resonating. JW is just one of a hundred I could Name - I hold you in high esteem for always smiling, always loving me in-spite of so many moments, where you wanted to turn and run, yet you stayed.

Thank you. I love you, I’m grateful for the journey we enjoyed together with our little buddy. Thank you to all of you who have indulged me.

JW you are a prime example that you do not need a faith to have a generous and kind heart. Christians are definitely no better than non Christians. We can just  get over excited at how much Jesus loves us and looks out for us. He looks out for you to...too much again?  Ok I will stop my waffling and digging my hole.

Faith is undeniably personal. Every faith is the same. ‘No faith’ is personal to. None of us can judge where another soul is on their journey.

My brother David is still here. He has faith that he will go to Heaven, not because he has been perfect, but because he knows he has been forgiven, Jesus has already paid the price so that we may live in eternity. 

Dave is lying incapacitated, in the hospice, 4 hours away. It is a strange comfort that he crossed the line from last year to this one. That he is already part of 2021. Weird but a real sense of that is good. I don’t know why. I am currently planning to go back and say my 7th goodbye. My dear sister in law has rung with her daily update, after her restricted covid visit. It has been snowing heavily. This may scupper my plans as they often get snowed in up north.

Knowing David, and his inner strength, I may have a few more Goodbyes to say. We never know how or when. On paper, David should have left us when he developed pneumonia back in September. (1st goodbye). Then when he had a different strain of the infection, a month later. When I left him, On Tuesday he was  hardly able to talk or move. I really thought without any doubt he would pass into glory within days. He is still stable, and peaceful.

He could breathe his last breath any moment. It is a strange time, waiting, wondering, praying. Trusting. Interestingly our sons have picked up on my sultry mood. For the first time in forever without asking, they are constantly tidying up the kitchen, bringing me infinite cups of tea. I’m thankful for them.

I will be honest, New Year’s Day, I wanted to run and hide. Actually not run, but to slide into a place where I could feel safe. To try to separate myself from the feeling of despair and deep sadness and nausea. To get some relief from the excruciating pain in my soul. I longed for the numbness of the shock,  that hearing about James untimely and sudden death, bought to me on reading Jo’s email.

 Sadly there is no where to run that is far enough away from the tears, the overwhelming grief that is and is about to come. I can only dare to imagine how Catherine, Danielle, Jay, Matt, Katie, Joe and Oliver are feeling. They have no where to run either. Thank God they have each other. 

Matthew is 25, been to Exeter university, graduated as a radiographer, works at a large Manchester hospital. He has seen terrible things on X-rays, MRI scans, working in Accident and Emergency, before and through Covid. 

Earlier in 2020 he had decided to take a much earned sabbatical, and travel the world for 6 months. He has not lived at home since he was 18 for any length of time. His plans have had to change in light of a world suffering a pandemic. After watching you tube videos with his dad converting vans into campers, he is currently transforming our old minibus into one. He intends to travel as soon as he is allowed to, and his new home on wheels is ready.

He is moving his things from his rented accommodation back home. Today. 

Gods provision for them all. To be together. To carry each other. The timing is perfect.

Do I even need to point out this could be included in my book of ‘God-incidences’ 

 They also have many friends that are more like family that are hurting and weeping with them. One of the ‘support team’ has just lost both her parents to cancer in the past months/days. Yet still she is a crutch for Catherine, together they hold onto the strength bouncing between each other. Love is definitely the glue, in good times and even more in bad. Wine also helps.

On New Years Eve, I could not respond to any ‘Happy New year’ greetings, Thank you for all the lovely heartfelt ones. I apologise for being rude and not sending any greetings back. I only texted my brother just after midnight. 

Dave has always done this for me as long as mobile phones were around. Either calling me -  in those dodgy days when the signal was limited and we all had to wait hours until it cleared before getting through to our loved ones, or texting a message of love. This time he was asleep. I did it anyway. Tears streaming down my face. Simply ‘Happy New Year, baby brother xxx’ 

Our mum passed away on our third sons twelfth birthday. He was too young for a mobile, back in 2007, but under the sad circumstances he inherited my mums. Unfortunately for him, we couldn’t find a way to transfer her recorded voicemail message to anywhere else.

So for three years we unfairly forbade him to erase it. Bless him for his patience with us. His many friends often commented about a strange old lady’s voice on his answerphone. Eek. Every New Year’s Eve whilst the message remained, Dave would ‘call’ our mum to hear her voice and wish her happy new year. Our son soon learnt that when Uncle Dave was calling, not to answer the phone. 

Hiding away,  I spent a lot of yesterday reading the many beautiful tributes about James, our youth worker. The original post on the YMCA page has reached over 22,000 people. Testimony to the huge impact James had on so many lives in his 38 years here on earth.

I could not stop thinking of his wife missing him so much, and his two young girls at home, with a daddy shaped hole in their hearts. Their young minds expectantly waiting for him to come through the door, smiling, swooping them up in his strong arms. Jo his wife having to watch their hearts break as they realise he won’t be, is heart rendering.

I am eternally grateful they all Know Jesus.

David, Jame’s dad, is one of those humble gentle men we should all have in our lives. Being biased, I would say ‘David’ is a good wholesome name. Nearly every David I know and have known seem to share these good solid qualities in life.

 They are like solid rocks placed strategically around the world. They embrace everyone, they don’t judge, they smile constantly. They are infinitely strong, steadfast and trustworthy. They affirm, encourage and love. They give of themselves even when they are going through deep waters. They know how to swim, and to rescue, family, friends and strangers. They do it quietly, in the background out of the limelight,  yet always dependable, always there.

Today my brother David is incapacitated, feeling bad for those loved ones who visit because he cannot stay awake, he says he is wasting precious time, so won’t close his eyes. He is still trying his hardest to be himself, before the ravages of cancer have slowly stripped away the enigmatic smile, and witty remarks that had us all laughing. A shadow of himself, but still giving his all, now a faded smile, that is loaded with a love that reaches further than the moon and back.

Today David McMahon, is at home. He will go on breathing because he will want to be strong for his Beautiful wife Liz, his wonderful son Matt, Jo his incredible daughter in law and his gorgeous granddaughters. I know God is His rock. He is engraved in the palm of Gods hand. I want to go and hug him so badly. I want to weep with him, along with all those hundreds of people that are hurting for them all.

Yet None of us can take away even a fragment of his broken heart and try gluing it together. I know he will adapt to living with a heart in pieces. He will find a strength to be whatever his close family need him to be. I trust he will do this in God’s amazing Grace. David reminds me of my grandad, He did from the first day I met him, long before I knew he was James‘ dad. This last point is irrelevant to those who did not know my grandad, but a gift to me!

David has been Such a genuine hero to all the youngsters, that we got a trophy in 2019 in his honour for the annual football/family day for YMCA.  It will to be presented each year  to the one who  was outstanding on the day of the tournament, one who gave all of themselves, whether on the pitch or as a helper on the team of volunteers. It was hard to choose from the many young souls that did give their all. We have been so blessed with so many lovely young people. I think David felt honoured but was probably very embarrassed as he is a quiet servant of God, beyond humble.

I feel another trophy in the making, for when we can again have our family day. A James McMahon one. Or a ‘McMahon’ one, to honour their family. Maybe the tournament will be renamed the annual ‘McMahon’ family day. Once we are all set free in safety we can all have a think and pray for the right way to honour such a family that have always put others above themselves.

Now, we can only pray. Then pray some more. Then even more. Not just today and tomorrow, but as someone pointed out to me yesterday, for 20 years at least...they have a long journey ahead.

Well, I have 7% left, and it’s getting dark, Pete has suggested a walk. Thank you for being out there to listen to my ramblings. It is helping me to stay out of the crevice I got stuck in yesterday. I cannot change any circumstance, None of us can wave a Magic wand and put it ‘all right’. I wish we could.

So to finish for today. To all those souls that didn’t make the New Year with us, I trust you are partying and enjoying a world like no other, without pain or blemish ,or heartache but bathed in God’s Glory and infinite Love.

To all those broken, hurting, suffering  themselves from heartache, fear or physical pain, I pray you will be bathed in God’s infinite love and feel His Grace upon you as you enter a New Year, bereft of those you have lost, this year or years before. Take them with you in your hearts. Try not to be afraid of what the future holds. For God holds us tight. Always. Amen.

5%...

To my sister, her family,  my dad and step mum...extra hugs, as you wait with baited breath to. God’s got you, David, the Turners, Fyles and The whole world in His arms, even when we can’t feel them. Amen x