Numb ...

 Sunday I started a new blog, then got distracted as felt a longing to visit my baby brother. Anyone who watched Gavin and Stacey Christmas repeat from last year, will know that ‘baby Neil’ is now 12. My baby brother is 55, 56 on 17th January.

There is often a debate as to whether it is better to ‘know’ someone is terminal, or better to have no warning.

My sister in law said a few months ago, through very sad tears, she wished she didn’t know her wonderful husband was facing death sometime in the near future. It was overwhelming to contemplate the how and when.

I think some days she is glad they have known, and other more anxious days wished they were ignorant of what was to pass.

David, himself, is glad he knew. He has had 6 amazing years that he did not anticipate once he had the original diagnosis at the tender age of 49. We wondered as it was stage 4 cancer, and spread quite fiercely that he may not make his 50th birthday. He did. He enjoyed his already planned party celebrations with close friends and family.

We were all Eternally grateful to the NHS and everyone who rallied round to support them. I recall phoning him to get a date that I could take a turn, driving him to the hospital nearly an hour away from his home.

I had my diary ready. Nope I was too late. Within hours of the word being out that he was going to go every day for 6 weeks of radiotherapy the timetable was full to the brim, three times over.

I was not that surprised as you sow what you reap. Catherine and David had sown love and care into many souls and hearts over the years. So many close friends that had been at the receiving end of unyielding help, day or night. Nothing was too much for either of them.

Now when they were in need, an army of solid volunteers stepped forward in the shape of men, young and old, women, big and small, one even heavily pregnant. Friends of years, some new on the scene.but they came forward like a swarm of love, to surround, support and carry my brother and his family through the days, months and thankfully years ahead.

I did bag my turn after some persuasion, Dave would not have liked to tell people they were not needed after all. The welcoming staff in the modern radiotherapy wing, knew David well, as by the time I got my turn, he was a regular.

The daunting minutes spent pretty much nailed onto the bed by a personally shaped metal looking mask, over his face to hold him perfectly still, did not deter my sibling from smiling warmly and greeting the other ‘regulars’ with a nod and a knowing ‘connection.‘

I did wonder what the staff thought of the various ‘team Turner’ members, turning up every day with him. Catherine I know would have loved to have made that journey each time he went, but it was an unselfish move to let others in. Also she could continue to work, as she was much needed there to. There is some element of therapy to those who were able to help. It certainly was for me, and I was grateful to be included in the incredible team.

Amazing quality time followed for family and friends, holidays together, visiting family abroad, cruises, skiing, yes he did skiing just after he finished his treatment. Buying a motor home, holidaying safely in a motor home bubble right up until September. David says it has been the best year of his life. Family time is always precious and he has been grateful he was well enough through treatment to enjoy the sun, the sea, and most importantly, the company.

So here we are, post Christmas 2020. 

A year like no other for pretty much the whole world.

Because of Covid, visiting at the hospice is restricted. I have been reluctant to go up to Lancashire, as when I visit I know, my sister in law, my nieces and nephew will be robbed of precious hours with their soul mate, and dad.

But they very kindly sacrificed some of their visiting hours over the past few days  so I could spend some time saying goodbye.

We talked, well I did most of the talking, he kept nodding off. He is bedridden, weak and yet peaceful. They are looking after him amazingly. David is in the ‘waiting room’ ...unlike any journey he has taken before, this departure cannot be planned,  only God knows. We can only pray and trust He will know the perfect time, to come and take him ‘home’.

Dave said yesterday, looking at the photos strategically placed on the wall, by Catherine, I’m so lucky. I’ve done all I’ve wanted to do and more. I have been surrounded by so much love. Everything that has needed to be said has been said. I have had the best life. He is so grateful for his beautiful family who he adores and loves with all of his being. 

They have had time to be with him, to hold his hand to reminisce. To dare to dream. To share their feelings  and acknowledge how much he will be missed. For these reasons I am contented and grateful we have all known and been granted 6 ‘bonus’ years.

David let me take our last selfie together. He even giggled for me so I can keep the last photo, as a momento  to a thousand giggles enjoyed before. We hugged, I tried not to break him as I’m short and had to nearly climb on the bed. I sobbed, that bit I had not meant to do but I caved. Wiping my eyes whilst disposing of the full PPE apron and gloves in his ensuite bathroom, I turned and blew him a kiss goodbye. We smiled. I walked down the corridor, pulling my mask up over my eyes and trying to feel my way to reception to check out. The kind lady was evidently used to the use of masks in this way and Waved me out, she knew there were no audible words forthcoming. 

Like a well rehearsed relay race, I hugged my star of a sister in law (she has recently had covid so am banking on her not having germs) and passed the baton for visiting to her, in the car park. I slid into our car and my caring and patient husband drove us towards the M6 and home.

I felt immeasurable peace in my heart. I know and trust In Jesus to come soon. I am more than grateful for the ‘extra time’ I have had this week, with my ‘baby’ brother.

I am so indebted to his amazing family for including me in their visiting bubble. 

I am relieved we never got arrested or questioned for being away from home and tier 4. I think it is allowed for visiting those near the end of their lives.

I’m glad it stopped snowing and all the roads were clear.

People without faith wonder ‘if there is a God, why hasn’t He answered the many prayers, asking for complete healing?  and why is this incredibly, humble, funny and kind man dying long before the average 3 score years and ten.’

We live in a very fallen world, a polluted earth. God cannot stop us ruining the wonders of His incredible land. The consequences can be dire. No ones fault individually, no one deserves cancer, multiple sclerosis, brain tumours...dementia...any pain or disease that stops them enjoying life to the full. That seems to be on a lottery basis. 

But I have Faith in His mighty hand to be in the circumstances. To provide joy in unexpected places. To show the love in each of our hearts for each other. To pick us up off the floor when we fall down. To carry us when we have no strength or will to walk one step in front of another.

The sun was setting, a beautiful orange. Pete nearly crashed the car as I tried to position my iPad to capture the edifying splendour of the magnificent glory of Our Creator. I opened the sunroof  to get a clearer photo, unblemished From rain drops on the windows. I gave up as I quickly realised the strength of the wind at 70mph.

I read my emails.

I was struck ‘numb’. Deeper than shock. Numb.

Our dear friend, youth worker, wonderful servant of God, husband of a beautiful young mummy, recovering from cancer, incredible dad to two beautiful young girls, amazing son of a dear dear friend, and his long term very poorly wife, and best big brother to a quiet humble and kind young gentleman, has died. Today.

38 years old, no warning. Taken ill  on Sunday with Pancreatitis, rushed into hospital. A zillion Prayers stormed Heaven for this beautiful man, as word got out.  Yet he didn’t recover. Jesus would have greeted him with open arms. Hugged him. Explained why. 

His family will have to wait for the ‘why’.

In their shock, and brokenness, the prayers from the hearts of family and friends will be heard. Our prayers for  His  infinite Grace to be poured into their hearts and the Peace that passes all understanding to be theirs. I’m truly hoping the  prayers will be like a generating station lighting up one lightbulb and his family will be that lightbulb. They all know Jesus. He is the rock their house is built on. As Christians we are far from exempt from the ravages of modern society and a polluted earth. We are not protected from a heart that can be broken into a million pieces.

They have gone through so much as a family these past few years. They have stood on the solid rock and testified to His amazing love and provision. His wife updated us daily, for one hundred days, encouraging us and inspiring so many on her chemotherapy journey. Incredible.  

And now this. I am numb. We are all numb. I cannot fathom how our brilliant youth worker, for the YMCA is no longer here to walk with troubled teenagers. To be a light in their sometimes very dark lives. 

How are they going to cope knowing their fun loving, leader has passed away. Even in Covid times, him, his dad and the other volunteers have met them outside for an hour in the freezing cold, such are the heart of God’s servants Even though his mum and  wife were shielding he had a sense of care, kept very strictly to the rules, and ministered to those young souls in great need of love and affirmation. 

He also worked with his local church, the youngsters there will feel a huge void in their lives. He worked alongside Joe with the young carers of Newbury and surrounding villages. He has worked with children in special schools, and for a few years in the middle of Newbury.

He has helped with COINS....in various schools.

He began with football among the youngsters, volunteering long before we employed him as an official youth worker. He started a senior football team that have won trophies. He engaged with teenagers of all backgrounds and so many different characters with ease. He helped on the Bus of Hope. He is a legend. A faithful giant with an open heart to God’s leading. Passionate and patient. I know all of you who knew him could add a thousand more qualities...and good deeds that you know of. Humble and generous. Hard working...

He has been  planting Jesus shape seeds in the hearts of hundreds of young people over so many years. We will pray those seeds will continue to be watered and they will grow. Testament to his good works.

For Jo, Abigail, Hannah, David, Liz and Matt, I’m kind of hoping you are also ‘numb’. I hope the enormity of the pain you are in, is numbed by the shock. I pray God is holding that excruciating pain in His hands and will drip feed it to you gently as the shock wears off and the reality floods in. 

May He pick you all up and carry you in His mighty arms until you are strong enough to walk holding His hand.

As you ponder why? I trust you will trust Him, until you enter the Gates of Heaven and hear the answer. It is beyond our comprehension as to why. We will never understand why you have had to lose such a precious and loved man.

So this has not been a good year, and it’s not quite over. I  lost another dear young friend unexpectedly and suddenly earlier this year to. Why indeed. You will also have many ‘whys’ of your own. And definitely many ‘not fairs’.

So no funny tales today. Selfishly I hope I stay numbed, like I’ve been injected by an anaesthetist. I truly do not want this to wear off. I am not anywhere near ready to feel the reality of losing a very precious and way too young soul. I think Jesus knows if he lets that wear off I may just start crying a river, that never stops flowing.

I am grateful, eternally grateful that I have known David was terminal. I wish this had not been confirmed today by the very sudden passing of our treasured friend. Either way loving is the best feeling in the world, losing a loved one the hardest.

To all those who know and love David, to all those who loved James. I pray for each of you, believers or not, that the Peace that passes all understanding is yours today, right now. Big hugs to you all and God Bless xx