I’ m nearly 59 years old.

I am certain my brain cells are decreasing faster by the day.

How will I know if I have dementia...what is a normal loss of memory as we age.

Why do I think about writing a book every day, but end up playing Candy Crush?

I’m definitely shrinking, but not in the favoured direction, down not in.

Why do I jet propel myself round the supermarket with toxic loud wind.

Thank God for the 2 metre rule and face masks. 

So here I am. A daily blog. Hopefully anyone following will know when my ‘mind’ is failing, and time has run out. Until then my task is to write all I have wanted to, and maybe more over the past few decades.

My bedroom is like an escape room, and today I was planning to de clutter, sort through the mountain range of clothes, Amazon parcels, Next bags and other paraphernalia to be more ready for Christmas.

This plan has been in place for the past 3 weeks. This is today’s distraction. 

The plan has been moved to tomorrow. I am relaxing in our small conservatory, because the heavy rain on the plastic roof is therapeutic and will hopefully Inspire me. Our new Christmas tree wrecking cat is sleeping on the couch next to me. He looks innocent and cute. He is very good at pretending he has not destroyed our artificial tree, spreading loose branches and pretty baubles far and wide.

The plan to rebuild and redecorate the tree, organise the lounge for our two ‘bubbles’ over Christmas has been delayed until Monday.

The sun has come out, and is warming me through the glass. I must now resist the temptation to lie down and close my eyes.

Number 3 grown up son, has just mentioned that something is spilt in the fridge and apparently stinks.

Now does the cleaning of the fridge displace plan 1 and 2? Maybe son no’s 3 might volunteer to throw out decayed food, wipe out with bleach and mould remover for me. Although unlikely I may hint that it is a job we can all do, and he may like to Bless me by stepping up to the challenge. 

Cleaning out cupboards and fridge before shopping for Christmas had been plan 3, but may have to move it up the list to plan 1.

I may need to focus on a proper timetable for the week, to ensure all necessary jobs are covered, before Christmas Day. This should distract me nicely for full procrastination effect.

Sadly my baby brother who is in my humble opinion the best man to have ever lived, bar Jesus and our grandad, is at home with his amazing family struggling to breathe. He has terminal lung cancer, and is due to pass into Heaven at any moment. The wonderful NHS have delivered a hospital bed to make him more comfortable and the nurses are on call 24/7.

This heartbreaking imminent moment is the biggest distraction of all. Most of me wants to throw clean knickers for a few days into a woven tesco bag along with my sleep apnea machine and take off up the M6, sit by his bedside, well 2 metres away, and pray fervently for him to slip away peacefully, as there is no comeback other than a miracle from Heaven above. 

Which is always possible until someone’s last breath.

He is my baby brother, although nearly 56. This is against all the rules of fairness and hierarchy. David is the fittest of all of us siblings. The youngest. And I know my older sister agrees, the loveliest.

He hasn’t smoked, or drank to oblivion..so the stage 4 throat cancer that he survived Incredibly over 6 years ago and then lung cancer 18 months ago seems unjust. Those gruesome images on cigarette packets warn smokers of the likely dangers of such a habit. In most of our minds this means the rest of the world are exempt from such horrendous cancers.

I know people that have smoked since they were 12, drank most of their lives, are now 86 and not a cancerous cell in their body.

I’m not bitter, just flummoxed. Absorbing the unfairness of life in general. I’ve know it for a long time. Children suffering horrendous diseases, sometimes born with such afflictions that limit their lives on earth.

So many Lovely souls, suffering from everyday pain, through arthritis or fibromyalgia, constant back pain...yet still they smile and journey on through the fog to live a life worthy of their bright outlook.

My brother has been inspirational in his walk with cancer. Never complaining, always smiling, living life to the full. He is the first to say the last year has been the best year of his life. Being off work sick, realising the dream of a motor home...seeking the sunshine in a covid safe space on wheels with his delightful family. Lockdown for a few months in the sunshine with his grown up children and 2 grandsons -  in their safe bubble.

Quality time with the weather to match. Sun bathing was his life, 6am starts on holiday to soak up the rays. Constantly tanned, it is still hard to take on board how ill he is. A sparkle in his eyes, diminished but not out. Gentle, humble Kind soul, lurking beneath the frailty end of life brings.

He feels guilty being a burden to his family, reliant on his amazing loyal wife, like a newborn trusting his mother will always come when he needs her. She knows how to look after him. He doesn’t want to suffer anymore, we don’t want him to either. We love him too much for that.

Life without this gentleman in it, is unbearable to fathom. So much Grace needed from God to continue smiling, living after he has gone, as he wants us all to. Heartbreaking. Wrong order...it should have been me first. Well my sister, then me. Our dad is still with us. He had his Covid jab yesterday. He feels helpless and broken, living with regrets of being an absent father following our parents divorce many moons ago. 

David forgives him, I hope our dad forgives himself.

Today we wait. We pray. God is good, I can only trust His plans for my brothers final journey will be the best one for him. A couple of months ago David had a glimpse of Heaven, and said he felt blissful...I’m holding onto blissful, always.

Having texted my sister in law, I will stay here and pray, clean my room or the fridge...hopefully. Did I mention I have ADHD?...